Day 753

Dad loved Thanksgiving. He was larger than life always, so pretty much any holiday was means for celebration, but for some reason, he really loved Thanksgiving. I don't know if it was sitting at the head seat, knife in hand to carve the turkey, or the fact that he savored every bite of my mother's cooking, but the closer it was for us to all sit down, the more excited he got.

Funny thing is, Thanksgiving was not a big holiday for us. We had our traditional family dishes on the menu every year, but it wasn't a holiday that we ever spent with extended family and friends. Mom tried to make it somewhat formal when we were little, but in the later years, Marissa, Lindann and I usually showed up to the dinner table in our pajamas. Mom usually ended up doing the whole feast entirely on her own; we would try to help, but usually ended up in her way around the kitchen she long ago mastered.

I guess we're a strange family in that emotions and sharing our feelings are not our best skill. We didn't sit around the table, talking about how much we love each other. The love was always there, it just never got expressed aloud much. May explain a few things, I guess, but we never really knew any different.

This Thanksgiving, I spent the day at my grandparents' house in West Virginia with four of my mom's ten brothers and sisters and their spouses and kids. There were 17 of us at dinner, a small gathering for the Peluchette family. The food was great, the conversations warm, but for some reason, I was really missing Thanksgiving in Little Rock this year. I guess things just won't ever be the same again. But that's okay...things eventually always come to an end. It's just that the memories usually make me want to come back home for more.

Day 750

The CT scan came back normal today and I FINALLY have a diagnosis! A test I took last week called a lactulose hydrogen breath test came back abnormal, meaning I have a disorder called Small Intestinal Bacterial Overgrowth (SIBO). Basically, bacteria is normal in your digestive track, helping you breakdown food. This said, the bacteria in the small intestine is supposed to be a very small amount, but in my case (the SIBO), an abnormally large number of bacteria is present there.

Your digestive track has a muscular function that flushes food and bacteria out of your system. SIBO occurs due to any condition that interferes with muscular activity in the small intestine, allowing the bacteria to stay longer and multiply in the small intestine. Many of the conditions that cause SIBO, such as Crone's and Diabetes, I have tested negative for. So, I don't know yet where this condition comes from, but at least I have a diagnosis and get to start my treatment! Such a relief!

I guess I should start by saying that this is one of the things that I have been a bit secretive about lately. I always considered myself having a "nervous stomach" but lately it has gone well beyond that, to the point of stabbing pains in my lower abdomen, which is why I finally sought to see a GI. It's an embarrassing thing to admit that you have digestion issues, but since this blog has become a bit of an open book, I decided to disclose this to all. Hopefully, my talking about this will help someone else who suffers from the same things I do. I figure if anything else, you all will now forgive me anytime I skipped out of your evening event due to being sick. See, it wasn't just an excuse, it was totally real!! Just too embarrassed to fully disclose the details of it all!

Tonight I start a rigorous dose of special antibiotics, called Xifaxan, 3 times a day for 10 days. This antibiotic is specific to my condition because it passes through the stomach and is not absorbed through the bloodstream, but directly through the intestine. After this, I'll start on prescription-strength Probiotics (probably for life) and a dietary change restricting sugars, carbs and milk products. Not the fun part, but if it makes me feel better, than I'll do my best.

I go in to see my GI in a few weeks so we can discuss how my treatment is working and look into any further causes if it is not working. Until then, cross your fingers that this starts to work. I cannot tell you how thankful I am to finally have a diagnosis, and one that is not life-threatening or have further complications down the line. The hard part for me will be the diet change. I don't eat terribly bad, but do have my lazy tendencies to eat just a cheese tortilla for dinner. No more of that I guess unless I want to pay the consequences once again! Thanks to everyone for thinking of me during all of these tests and doctor appointments...it means so much to me!

Day 749

So in my ongoing quest to find out what the hell is wrong with me, this morning I went in and had an abdominal/pelvic CT scan. Fun, huh? Actually it wasn't as bad as I had feared, and the barium tasted surprisingly like a banana milkshake. I haven't had an episode for about two months now, but still want to keep getting these tests done until I can figure out what the issue is. So far they have ruled out Crone's disease, IBDs, food allergies, appendicitis and ovarian cysts. So they're still looking, but at least I have been feeling somewhat better lately.

On another note, since it's been so long since I've posted a picture, I thought I'd share one from the other weekend...just watching football at some friends' apartment.

Day 746

I couldn't sleep last night. I've been this way for a couple weeks now, but after lying awake in bed for way too long last night, I had to get back up, drink some hot tea and calm my head the best way I knew how. I read. And not one of my 3 books I'm in the middle of. No, I read my blog posts from when I first started writing this journal.

Reading back, I was compelled by how eloquent and poetic my words were. I may have been in pain, I may have been just venting my frustrations and hopes and fears to the world, but I was creating something worthwhile. Reading these posts of late, I am a bit disappointed with my words, with my work.

Funny thing is, this is exactly the way I have been feeling the past few months about what I'm doing with my life. It's just all been a bit lackluster; more superficial and less worthwhile. A repeated theme for me...just going through the motions, but lately, I feel like my effort has been worse than ever. Funny that this has reflected down to even my blog posts. Not so funny that I've been stuck in a rut once again.

Things are in the works though, I promise you that. A change is a comin', slowly but surely. Like I said before, I'm keeping a lot of things to myself right now, but do know that I'm working on making myself a better person. Better for those I love, better for those who need loved, better for whom I tend to ignore at times--myself. I have high hopes for the coming year.

Maybe it was the sight of the snow spitting down on me this afternoon or the cold wind hitting my cheeks or the smell of firewood burning throughout the old buildings of this city. A new season is at my door. Change is a comin', and I'm getting ready to start moving once again.

Day 745

The snow is coming...supposedly. But fingers are crossed! I'm not quite sure what has gotten into me, but ever since last week, I have been totally itching to get out all of my Christmas decorations and completely go to town on my apartment. Problem is, about 1/10th of what I have in storage (aka my aunt's basement) will actually fit. So the problem is, what to choose?

The homemade glass ornament wreath? Hmm, too breakable. The garland with lights and berries? Too big and long, plus no fireplace mantle or staircase to wrap it around. Enough ornaments to fit a 9' tree? Yeah, won't work with my 7' ceilings. So basically, there's not much to work with. Just another reason I need a real home...Christmas just isn't the same without my explosion of holiday gear and cheer.

Guess I'll go digging in boxes on Sunday to see what I can work with. Until then, I guess I'm just going to have to settle for my evening mugs of hot cocoa. The perfect treat for the Christmas spirit within.

Day 743, Part II

I just got home from work and discovered a fantastico treat...my internet is working!!! Hooray!!! You have no idea how excited I am about this; I was literally going crazy without it. I got it back yesterday from being repaired, and when I tried it last night, it still wasn't working. No idea what was wrong, but when I happened to try again today, it's back!

So now let me tell you about DC--it's f-ing FREEZING up here. Literally. It's 31 degrees right now and dropping. On a whim, I got a new pair of mittens the last time I was at Target, and it was a good thing for sure, because my fingers, nose and ears were frozen by the time I made it to my car from the Capitol. Brrrrr...

Sadly, I have no fireplace, but I did immediately turn on my tea kettle when I made it home for a cup of hot cocoa. Yummy! Supposedly it was snowing flurries today, but I think people were teasing me, because every time I made it to a window, there was nothing in the air. Boy oh boy do I love a snowfall! Ice, sludge and cold, not so much, but there's something about watching the snow fall outside that appeals to my romantic side. Must be the girl in me.

Day 743

Once again, I apologize for the length I've stayed away. My computer is still broken, and work has been entirely too crazy to sneak a post. Although that's what I'm doing during this rare moment of silence. All I can say is this...Inauguration is completely overwhelming my life right at this moment. Hopefully my computer problem will be fixed by next week so I can get up and running again. Being without wireless at my house really is truely driving me insane. At least I can check email on my Blackberry!

Day 737

Wow, my head is really spinning today. I feel that there are a million directions in which I can go in my life, and though I see a glimpse of where I want to be, I don't know which road to take to get there. All day, I keep telling myself to slow down, breathe and just take one step at a time. But each step is so huge, so different, yet each a part of who I always thought I wanted to be. How can you do it all, have it all? Is it even possible? And do I even want/need "it all"? I told you, deep thoughts today. I don't even know where to begin.

Day 733

733 days since dad died. Two years ago today. Marissa, Lindann and I were all sleeping in mom and dad's big ole bed, since so much of our family had already made it into town. It was about 5 AM, and my uncle Tim came in to tell us. I just said okay, sent an email to all my family and friends who were thinking and praying for dad, and cried myself back to sleep.

It seems surreal now, thinking back. Hearing those words, they literally drain every ounce of life out of you, and you just go through the motions, dumb to everything. I'm not sure how I got through the funeral planning, writing his obituary, writing and speaking his eulogy. I just knew that it was my job to do and no one else could speak of dad as I could; I knew the job was always mine to bear.

I wasn't supposed to be in Little Rock that weekend before. I was supposed to go to the Arkansas vs. South Carolina game that weekend in Columbia, but the weekend before that, I talked to dad and knew something wasn't right. I took the week off work and flew back home just in time. Sometimes, I wonder if dad was waiting for me to come home and say goodbye.

I got to spend three good last days with him, and on the third, I spent his last hellish conscious night alone in his hospital room, watching him scream out in utter agony and seeing the fear in his eyes as he struggled through the pain for a breathe. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. The pain of that sight was almost unbearable, but I am still so grateful that it was my burden to bear, not my mom's or my sisters'. No one should ever have to see something so horrible, and I am glad that I was able to save them from that sight. If they had, the scars, I'm afraid, would have been irreversible.

Early that morning, he slipped into a drug-induced coma, and a few mornings later, took his final breathe. My mom and aunt Joyce were there by his bedside, holding his hands and saying goodbye first. That's how it should have been, mom by his side and her best friend there to hold her up through it.

I'm not so sure what I should be feeling today, besides mournfully nostalgic, but there's just not much there. A year ago today, I was still a total wreck. Looking back now at that first year, I see how much I scared you all and how much of a zombie I was. Even then, I was still going through the motions. Today, my head is now clear, although my heart will never loose that ache for him.

It is what it is, just another day in my new life without my father. Knowing that today was the day just brings back these painful memories that I like to keep stored deep down, away from my everyday life and my special, happy moments. Today's been a good week, this weekend especially nice so far, and so I'm just going to take this moment to get it out, and then push it back into storage.

No one should have to live with memories like these always in the forefront. I won't let them ruin my good week. Today's just another day, one of many, many more without him. A sad reality, but now that I have developed much more emotionally, I will not let it rule me. I will just let it be that special part of me that makes me who I am today. A different reflection of me just a few years ago.

Day 731

Funny how things can change so quickly. Last Thursday, the last day I posted, was a horrible day. All I wanted to do was crawl up in my bed and stay there until Springtime. But then a few things happened that brightened up my life again and totally reconfirmed my true belief that everything happens for a reason. I won't disclose much, but just know things are much better now. And thank you to all of you who were thinking of me. I really appreciate all the love and support I get from so many of you.

A few great things that happened this week I will share: My good college friend Maggie had her first baby boy, Ty. Congratulations Maggie and Ted on your sweet angel! Also, my good DC friends Lindsay and Sean got engaged. Hooray! The best part about it is that I was their Matchmaker, so I feel like an extra pat-on-the-back is in order for me this week. And another friend is expecting! So many blessings for those all around me this week...I couldn't help but be happy!

And as you all know, I'm very happy about the election results! I know that many of you don't agree with my politics, but at least agree that this was a historical moment that we will all share with our children and grandchildren and hopefully even great grandchildren. I think it's what I love most about my job--being able to take part in history. And I am just thrilled that I will be standing in the press stands on the West Front of the United States Capitol as Barack Obama becomes the 44th President of the United States. What an amazing experience it will be!