Day 570

It only takes a moment to have any and all questions of a Higher Power's existence reaffirmed. That Higher Power just saved my life tonight. Saved my life and answered my "Where are You in my life?" question in a split second.

About an hour ago, I had just left my aunt & uncle's house and was heading home on Canal Road. It's a dark, winding road just off the B & O Canal that connects two rivers on the Georgetown Waterfront. There's about 3 miles between lights, with only a small section in the middle for yielding oncoming traffic. To the North, the road Ys up the hill to some houses. To the South, the road splits down the hill to the boat docks at the Canal. Both splits yield to the traffic on Canal Road.

Since it's a quick thoroughfare between two parts of the city, it's a regular practice to drive pretty fast on the road. The speed limit is 35 mph, but it's common for people to be driving 50-60 mph during rush hour. Tonight, I was going b/w 40-45 mph, primarily because it was a nice night out and I was just enjoying the drive. That is, until some jackass almost killed me.

I was heading East on Canal Road, and was approaching the part of the road where the cars coming up from the boat docks should be stopping to wait for me to pass. Well, the jackass decided he wanted to gun it and beat me to the road. Keep in mind, I have NO STOP, NO YIELD, NOTHING. I had the right of way 100%.

So the jackass is flying up on my right, and thank you God for making my side mirror flicker, because the jackass was literally inches from smashing into me before I saw the flicker and swerved into the other lane. And thank you God that the lane just happened to widen at that one spot. And thank you God that the two cars in oncoming traffic saw the whole incident as it was about to happen and therefore swerved as I swerved. Thank you God for saving me tonight. It could have been VERY ugly.

My heart has finally settled back into my chest and I'm calm again, but the whole rest of the way home, I couldn't help to think what could have happened. It could have been Lindann's accident all over again. I could have been a lot worse. It was very possible I could have been sideswipped and then smashed head on. Even possible I could have flown off the cliff and into the canal. But God, you were there, and you saved me. I know it was You. Even after all my doubt over the years, my questioning and my doubt, not in You, but maybe Your intentions, You showed up tonight and showed me You're still my guy.

Thank You. It really does take times like these for me to sit back and understand how everything really is in Your hands. I may not like how everything goes. But I do know there is a rhyme and a reason for it all. Tonight was not my night to be hurt. Not even a scratch, on me or my car. Your protection was, and always is, a great gift. Thank You.

Oh, and the jackass? He pointed and laughed as he flew ahead of me, flying down the road at very high speeds toward Georgetown. I passed him at a light and just shook my head. I was so angry, so furious that there is that much carelessness out there in the world. But he was not my battle to fight tonight.

Day 568

Today was one of the more productive days I've had in quite a long time. Went to get my car inspected and the renewed my car registration. Cleaned out my closets for Goodwill giveaways. Did 5 loads of laundry. Two loads in the dishwasher. Went to the grocery store. Cooked a big pot of chicken spaghetti for dinner and to freeze for future dinners. Cleaned the kitchen. Etc. Etc.

Whew. I'm exhausted now. Since I'm quite possibly the world's worst procrastinator and piddler, I have to admit that I'm giving myself a little pat on the back right now. Gold stars for Shawna! It's nice to be this productive all day long.

Last year, my move somehow had snuck up on me, so I ended up moving all this "stuff" with me into my new house. When I mean stuff, I mean magazines and clothing and books and knickknacks I haven't even looked at in years. Yes, I am a huge pack rat, but I promise that I'm trying to change this.

I seem to attach sentimental value to just about everything. I keep notes and dried flowers from old flames, magazine articles I may need to reference again one day (thanks Mom for that habit), Halloween (and college function) costumes, clothes I just may fit back into again. I even have my Homecoming Court dress hanging in my closet. Sad, huh? I won't let Mom throw that one out though...for some reason, I see my daughters playing dress-up in it one day.

Until now, I've been able to carry this past with me move after move, city after city. But now, I'm ready to shed some of this weight and travel a little bit lighter. Sort of a metaphor for my life now, huh? Literally and figuratively, it's time to clean house and lighten up.

There are things I still won't be giving away. The Homecoming Court dress, of course. But other little things too. Chi Omega initiation relics. High school newspaper clippings. My collection of maps and "Hoggie" banks. My books and my pictures. These things will stay with me. I think there is something to be said for preserving a bit of visual history of myself, and since scrapbooking is no longer my thing, I trace my years in these "things" I hold onto so tightly.

But the clutter, the space takers that I've forgotten all about--these things need to go. Trends that have come and gone have no place for my closets anymore. It looks like I've been spoiled for way too long now with good closet space, and unfortunately, I think this will be ending shortly. Guess that makes for no better time than now to clean house.

Day 566

Today marks my 5th Memorial Day I have lived in Washington, DC. Officially my 4th year of living in Washington...the year before I moved up in May and home in September upon the end of an internship. Sometimes it feels like I've lived here forever. Somedays, it feels like I just moved in.

Washington is very much a transient city. People come and go as quickly as the seasons change, making it a very difficult place at times to not only make but keep friends. Every two years a new crop of doey-eyed freshman enter the city with pep in their step, hoping to change the world. Unfortunately, there's no money in the world-changing business, and with the cost of living here, it's hard to get by for long on a government paycheck.

So people move on, go back to school, back to their home state to take what they've learned in our Nation's Capital and make their mark. Washington, for many, isn't a place to call home; more a work hard, play hard boarding school for adults. Then there are people like me, content with the pace of the city and the work that I do. There's something missing, yes, but for now, I am okay living and playing and working in this city where so many just pass on through long enough not to be a tourist.

Unfortunately, friends drift in and out of this town way too quickly, and I am quickly approaching another one of those seasons. Many friends are leaving town by the end of the summer. Many are trying to figure out just what they are doing with their lives. My friends here are different from my friends at home. Almost none of us are settled down. Most have great, but demaning jobs. Almost none are homeowners, or have children, or have family nearby. Most make a good living, but still have trouble budgeting this expensive town. And most, including me, still don't know what it is they want with their life.

It gets so tiring constantly worrying and trying to figure things out. Where to go, what to do, who to be. I know what I need to do...continue to focus on my health, enjoying my work and seeking out activities that I love. But knowing and doing are two different things, and too many times I hide out rather than face the world. I feel like it's going to be like another job just getting out there and meeting new people. Maybe it is, but it's something I'm going to have to face here soon. Here goes I guess...seasons are a changing in Washington again.

Day 559

Today is May 19. My dad would have turned 59 years old today. This is the second May 19th that we have spent without him here. Strange, it seems that he's been gone a lot longer than that. I guess because every day without him is longer than the short days we had with him.

Last year, May 19th was a hard day. Today seemed to be a little bit better. This year has been a little bit better than last year. I guess as time goes by, the pain fades. It never goes away, but it does get easier. Most days anyway.

I never want May 19th to be just another day. I don't think it ever will be. It will always mark a special day; a day to remember and celebrate what an amazing father I had for almost 27 years. Happy birthday Dad!

Maybe next year I'll have a party in his honor. He would have been 60, I will be turning 30...sounds like no better time than then to celebrate life.

Day 558

Last night was my big fundraiser I'm involved with, and I spent most of yesterday setting up and then getting ready for the big event. It's definitely a sign of the times when companies even have to cut back on their charitable giving. Nevertheless, the night turned out to be a success, the Arkansas table looked good and we raised a lot of money for a lot of people in need. I HATE fundraising and am honestly pretty terrible at it, but knowing that it's for a good cause makes the task a bit easier.

I was pretty stupid and ended up wearing my heels with my dress for most of the event, but I was smart enough to bring along my flipflops to put on at the end. By that point, most girls had their shoes off anyway, and no one cared that I was limping around in my J.Crew flops. The toe is feeling much better now anyway, but still hasn't totally healed...I think that'll take at least a few more weeks. I didn't take my camera with me to the actual event because I didn't want to carry it with me all night, but I did get an okay picture before to share. I hope everyone else had a great weekend too!

Day 554

I'm house hunting. AGAIN. I'm not sure if I can tell you all just how much I hate moving, and how much it pains me that I have to pack everything up and move it all yet again. I've been in my house now for almost 10 months, and I LOVE it. There is a great park a few blocks away. The kitchen is nice and perfectly sized. My bedroom is huge with 3 huge closets. And I have my own bathroom (with a tub) connected to my room.

Yes, my rent is ridiculously expensive to any of you not living in this town. My rent is more expensive than most of my friend's mortgages in Little Rock. But in this town that doesn't get a lot, and I think for what I pay, I really get my money's worth, unlike most other places I saw when I was looking a year ago.

My roommate for the past three years, Helen, is moving back to Little Rock, and I'm very sad to see her go. I toyed with the idea of just staying here and taking on another roommate, but with much thought and a bit of fear of ending up with a total stranger, I decided that it is time to move into a place of my own.

I wish so much I could just buy, but I don't have the few hundred thousand lying around it would cost to buy a studio (not even one bedroom, but studio) apartment in this city. Ugh! So, I'm just going to have to suck it up and flush my money down the toilet in rent still. Ugh! Do you see how frustrating this is?

The good news is, 1) my lease ends July 31st, so I have plenty of time to find a place, 2) I own a car, which means I'm not limited to where I can live...I don't have to be right next to a metro stop or bus route, 3) I don't have to base my decision on anyone else. I have to admit, this sense of total self-reliance is a bit exhilarating.

The bad news is, 1) rent is certain to go up, as are bills, since I have no one to split them with (trying to find a place with utilities included, but this is not too common), 2) I have to find a place big enough to fit all my stuff, once again most likely raising the price of my place, 3) I have to find a place with a washer/dryer in unit...I REALLY don't want to have to deal with taking my laundry out...once again raising the price...UGH!

I know, not really much to bitch about when you think of all the things going on in this world, but this is at least frustrating to me. The older I get, the harder it is for me to not have control over this, and to not have a place of my own. I'm not talking much, but at least a place I can paint and decorate as I wish and garden and have friends over without having to deal with the aftermath. I guess it just all comes with living in a big city like Washington.

Day 553

I've been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Ones of my friends, my sisters, my friends, my relatives. Ones of my past...where they went wrong, how they ended. Most of my relationships seemed to fizzle out just as quickly as they started. Most of them ended in the same manner--without an explaination, without a goodbye. Just poof. They're gone.

I've stopped asking the question why, because really, it's irrelevant now. Maybe they were scared. Maybe they felt pressure. Maybe they really just weren't interested and didn't care enough to bother. Who knows really. And honestly, I don't really want an explaination any longer. It's a lot harder on a person to have to go through an ending this way, because you always end up questioning yourself. I think that is why I analyze everything, and why I am so hesitant to let myself be vulnerable in the first place. But I do know that you have to take risks, you have to be true to yourself, you have to let go when time has run its course and you have to have faith that whatever happens, it is for a reason.

I have my patterns too. I fall for the tall (mostly), dark, handsome types almost every single time. Intelligent and sarcastic too. I rush into things almost always, and tend to always want to be a caretaker and a cheerleader. I used to see this is a flaw, but you know what, it's just me. And when matched with the right person, someone who will reciprocate these parts of me, then it will all fit.

I believe that timing is everything and that instead of pushing a mismatch, I need to trust that when the time is right, a true match will appear. I realize now that I have to fully know and love myself before I can do the same, truly and greatly, to another. But I know also there is no such thing as perfect love. Relationships, just like any other truly great thing, takes hard, honest and faithful work. Thanks to all who have taught me this great gift.

Day 551

As today is Mother's Day, I wanted to share a little about my mom, Mary Dawn. My mom is the strongest, most selfless person I know. She doesn't complain about the hand that was dealt to her, just works hard to make things as good as they can be. Although we were never destitute, money was many times an issue in our family. But growing up, we hardly noticed. Mom put us first always, giving up her wants and needs for ours.

Mom taught us to be hard workers, free thinkers, and strong women. She taught us it was okay to speak our mind and be ourselves. Growing up, I was a daddy's girl, 100 percent. I don't think it was until dad got sick (and I finally grew up), that I really appreciated just how amazing my mom is. Never did she complain, never did she give up, and never did she fall to the hardship of loosing her best friend, the love of her life.

Mom is very shy and we never really saw her and dad being affectionate toward one another. But it didn't take much to know just how much dad adored her. They were a team, and as hard it is for me to loose my dad, it's harder for me to know that mom has lost the love of her life. Mom, this is a hard one for me to write, and I know just how hard this is for you to read. But I just want you to know that the love you and dad had for each other--it has lived on in me, Marissa and Lindann. We wouldn't make it through this life without you, and I love you very much. You are, and always have been, the rock of our family. Thank you for all that you are, for all that you do, and for everything that you helped us be. Happy Mother's Day.

Day 548

Tuesday I went out and bought a new pair of running shoes. This morning, I broke my toe. How's that for good timing? Let me tell you something, it might not look or sound like much, but it sure does hurt like you wouldn't believe! Ouch! I woke up from my nap this afternoon not because of my Blackberry buzzing or my alarm going off. No, it was because my pain medicine wore off and my foot was throbbing!

The funny thing is, I was kind of freaking out when I bought my new running shoes because I was worried about hurting myself. I went to a specialty running store because I've been having issues with shin splits since I started up running again, and I wanted them to fit me properly in a new pair. They measured my foot and brought out a size 6 (did I ever mention how much I loved my feet...it's because they're the only small part about me). But once I tried those kicks on, and then a 6 1/2 and then a 7, he realized that one of my problems is that I wear my running shoes way too tight. I ended up buying a 7 1/2, but was very uncomfortable about the purchase. Primarily because I'm not used to wearing my shoes with that much room in them, and I was concerned about my ankle rolling and getting injured.

Long story short, my ankle turned out not to be what I should have worried about. Instead it was the 8 pound weights I had thrown on my bedroom floor...I rammed into them with my left, second-to-pinky toe, and everything came crashing down. Literally. I must have knocked into my side table along the way, because books, pictures frames, and even a shadow box on the wall came down on top of me. All this about 5 minutes before I went to work, so I picked up my shoes and ran out the door, broken toe and all.

At the same time, I got really bad news from a friend, such news that makes me feel like all this is just me whining and complaining. I mentioned this about a week or two ago, but my friend's little one-year old niece, Georgia, had gotten her results back from her surgery, and it turns out her tumor is malignant. It's a neuroblastoma, a cancer most commonly associated with children under two years old. Poor baby girl has a long road ahead of her, starting with chemo. She's at home right now with her family, and I just ask that you all pray for this precious child and her family right now. I can't even imagine how hard this is for all of them and it would be great if we could all remember them right now. Kathy, tell Emily that we've got a team of prayers behind Miss Georgia right now! I'm a true believer that prayer really works!

I think I've spoken of Novenas before, and this one, to St. Gerard (the Patron Saint of Mothers) is especially for sick children. You say it for nine consecutive days or nine consecutive hours.

For a Sick Child
St. Gerard, who, like the Savior, loved children so tenderly and by your prayers freed many from disease and even death, listen to us who are pleading for our sick child. We thank God for the great gift of our daughter and ask him to restore our child to health if such be his holy will. This favor, we beg of you through your love for all children and mothers. Amen.

Day 546

These days, we hear a lot about what's going wrong in the world. Global terrorism. Economic downfall. Environmental deterioration. Health epidemics. Mass poverty. There are a lot of sad stories; a lot to tear us down, make us fearful and do what is easy rather than what is right.

I'm one to talk...I take the easy way out too many times. Throw out food because I'm not in the mood for it. Toss plastic bottles in the trash because I don't want to hold onto them until I find a recycling bin. Buy the new shoes because I "need" them...along with the new purse and bracelet and dress. I have a lot of work to do myself.

It's not easy changing your ways. It's hard work. It takes actually stepping back and looking at what you say and what you do and how you think. It means risking your pride and ego and appearance just to do what you think is right. Sometimes it takes more than that. It takes a bit of a push from someone other than yourself.

Maybe it's a pep talk or a word of advice or a shout of encouragement. It could be teacher or a doctor or a scientist, giving you new life lessons to reflect upon and learn from. Tonight, my push was closing my ears to all those I work with...the talking heads and politicos and know-it-alls, and opening my heart to the words of someone that wants to teach us all how to reach for our dreams, fulfill our goals and become better people. I feel energized and inspired and hopeful. This is the type of leader I've always inspired to be. But my fate isn't to be in the limelight. I prefer to work from behind. And words of belief remind me that my work is substantial and people can change for the better.

Day 545

So this weekend was my cousin Valeri's First Holy Communion. My grandmother came into town, as did my aunt from NYC and my cousin Ursula, her husband, and their 6 kids. Fun times, and it was really great to see everyone. It's really nice having family up here to share these times with. Here are some pictures of Miss Valeri:

Yikes, this is what happens to me when I get no sleep.



Valeri cut off all her hair and gave it to Locks of Love...isn't it adorable?



Jack was pouting because he hated his new haircut. I must admit, I like it better long too.



Val and her daddy



Joyce, Val and my grandmother Sally

Day 542

Sometimes all a girl needs is her girlfriends to make things alright. It's like that email--I'm sure that everyone's received it. One girlfriend to laugh with, one girlfriend to cry with, one to share your secrets with, one to get in trouble with. Something like that. Well, I am fortunate enough to have those exact girls in my life.

It's funny how your persona may change with each person you sit with. I have some friends with whom all we do is laugh. Deep, loud belly laughs that last a whole afternoon.

Other friends I can actually talk with. I mean deep, stay up all night and solve the meaning of life talks with. Nights like that mean something special to me.

Still other friends are good for advice. Fashion advice, men advice, health advice, financial advice. There are just those certain people you know you can go to and get the exact answer you need.

It's not like I use my friends for only one thing or another. Not at all. I cherish those special ladies who have come into my life with a bond of friendship. I'm lucky to say that there are many who have been there year after year, and many who will stand by me when things get tough.

Sometimes, you just need your girlfriends.

I don't know what kind of friend I am to others, but I hope that I am as supportive and open to all you girls as you are to me. I'm lucky to say that so many of my friends cross those many lines. You give advice, laugh and cry with me, and we share our lives together. Thank you ladies for all that you are. I only wish, despite all my grumpiness and, most times, lack of phone abilities, that I can be that kind of friend to all of you.

Day 541

I haven't been sleeping well this week. Everything is just a bit off, and I'm starting to think that one thing leads to another. My diet is a bit off--drinking more coffee and have fallen twice to food weaknesses because of my tiredness. Too tired to cook; need the coffee to wake. An endless cycle. My exercise is off because I crash when I get home and hit the snooze button in the morning. I know that I'm just going to have to push through it, get my diet and exercise routine back on track no matter what, and then eventually it will all come back to normal. But now I know just how hard it is for people to give up, to fall back into their old patterns. Lack of sleep is doing it for me. Extreme tiredness is making me weak.