Day 733

733 days since dad died. Two years ago today. Marissa, Lindann and I were all sleeping in mom and dad's big ole bed, since so much of our family had already made it into town. It was about 5 AM, and my uncle Tim came in to tell us. I just said okay, sent an email to all my family and friends who were thinking and praying for dad, and cried myself back to sleep.

It seems surreal now, thinking back. Hearing those words, they literally drain every ounce of life out of you, and you just go through the motions, dumb to everything. I'm not sure how I got through the funeral planning, writing his obituary, writing and speaking his eulogy. I just knew that it was my job to do and no one else could speak of dad as I could; I knew the job was always mine to bear.

I wasn't supposed to be in Little Rock that weekend before. I was supposed to go to the Arkansas vs. South Carolina game that weekend in Columbia, but the weekend before that, I talked to dad and knew something wasn't right. I took the week off work and flew back home just in time. Sometimes, I wonder if dad was waiting for me to come home and say goodbye.

I got to spend three good last days with him, and on the third, I spent his last hellish conscious night alone in his hospital room, watching him scream out in utter agony and seeing the fear in his eyes as he struggled through the pain for a breathe. I have never felt so helpless in my entire life. The pain of that sight was almost unbearable, but I am still so grateful that it was my burden to bear, not my mom's or my sisters'. No one should ever have to see something so horrible, and I am glad that I was able to save them from that sight. If they had, the scars, I'm afraid, would have been irreversible.

Early that morning, he slipped into a drug-induced coma, and a few mornings later, took his final breathe. My mom and aunt Joyce were there by his bedside, holding his hands and saying goodbye first. That's how it should have been, mom by his side and her best friend there to hold her up through it.

I'm not so sure what I should be feeling today, besides mournfully nostalgic, but there's just not much there. A year ago today, I was still a total wreck. Looking back now at that first year, I see how much I scared you all and how much of a zombie I was. Even then, I was still going through the motions. Today, my head is now clear, although my heart will never loose that ache for him.

It is what it is, just another day in my new life without my father. Knowing that today was the day just brings back these painful memories that I like to keep stored deep down, away from my everyday life and my special, happy moments. Today's been a good week, this weekend especially nice so far, and so I'm just going to take this moment to get it out, and then push it back into storage.

No one should have to live with memories like these always in the forefront. I won't let them ruin my good week. Today's just another day, one of many, many more without him. A sad reality, but now that I have developed much more emotionally, I will not let it rule me. I will just let it be that special part of me that makes me who I am today. A different reflection of me just a few years ago.