Day 510

It's so hard to hear in someone else's voice the same pain, the same fear, the same heartbreak and utter exhaustion that you once had in yours. For me, time hasn't rid the emotions. They're still there, but they've moved down through my body, past my voice, and settled elsewhere. Some days they're in my heart, others in my stomach. But today, I recognized the sound of those emotions in the voice of another, and instantly I felt it in my bones.

Hearing that made me revisit a place I've tried not to go for a long time. Instead of releasing those emotions, I felt hollow inside, like there was nothing left of me. Just a void. Maybe it's just my funk I've been in multiplied by the sorrow and morbidity of the day. Hope so, because this is a place I didn't want to visit again.

Day 509

Two pieces of terrible news came my way today, and I ask you all to please keep the following in your thoughts and prayers tonight. The first is that a co-worker's wife passed away yesterday. She had breast cancer and was doing really well, but developed a blood clot and passed away very suddenly. She was young, and leaves behind her husband and three young children. Please keep them in your heart and prayers as they mourn their loss.

The second came a few minutes ago...a family friend here in DC also has passed. The details are complicated, but please keep them in your thoughts and prayers as well. It's all just awful--he has a wife and four children that he left behind.

News like this just makes me wonder why things like this happen. I know I'll never have that answer, so all I can just do is pray that those who lost loved ones will hold on to the good times and the love they shared and remember that there are people to hold their hand and walk with them through the hard times to come. News like this just breaks my heart, because I know how heartbreaking it really is. God, please be with them all tonight.

Day 508

I'm back! Sorry about the week-long absence, but I decided not to bring my laptop down to Florida. Seems like no matter what, a vacation isn't a vacation anymore, and I don't even have a family of my own yet! So I ignored my blackberry, my email and everything else for a week. Still, the week was not quite as stress-free as I'd like, but it was still nice to get out of the city for a bit. I did get some incredible pictures to share--I'm very excited that I'm learning more about my camera and am very pleased with this purchase.

The weather was not totally cooperating with us...it rained the first two days and was COLD the third, but finally the sun decided to come out and I got two good days in the sun. On the cold day, my aunt and I decided to take the kids to a Baltimore Orioles game (they do their Spring training in Ft. Lauderdale, and the stadium was literally 5 minutes from my grandparents condo). They played the Florida Marlins, and it was fun being at a Major League game that was so informal--the players were literally sitting right in front of us.

Here are some pics from the game:











And some of my favorite beach pictures...there were so many great ones, but I had such great subjects and scenery, I had to share:





























Back to the real world, and the diet--ugh--in just two days...this weekend I'm going to unwind and rest up...next week the craziness starts again.

Day 499

I've always been into fashion, but have never really had the body or bank account to pull off many looks. That is one thing that is motivating me--rewarding my new body with some new, fabulous clothes. I think I'm more excited about this than any thing else, but hey, at least it's motivation. Lately, I have become really good at finding cheap versions of super cute but more expensive fashions.

Like these bracelets, just like the pricey J.Crew version, that I found at Target and a great DC store called Commander Salamander:



Here's another great find from Commander Salamander that I got for $20!



And I have to show off these super cute shoes I got right around Valentine's Day, from Nordstrom...only $50!



Oh yeah, I grabbed a pair of these in grey too!

Although I did do a tiny bit of retail therapy, as you may remember, when my tax return came back, I really don't buy a lot, I just browse a lot. I like to buy trendy items cheap, because they go out of style so quickly, but there are some staples that I still need in my closet.

That said, there are still many Spring "must-haves" that I'm dying to get:
* chiffon blouses for work and play
* full skirts, both floral ones and those of bold, bright solid colors (the girls at work joke that I'm the modern day '50s sweater girl pinup because these types of clothes are totally my style...now if I could just get the great hourglass figure back)
* a cropped sleeved black leather jacket
* a gold, chain link bracelet (I bought one from J.Crew for my aunt's birthday, and it's so adorable I secretly wanted to keep it for myself)

There are many more, but most importantly, I have to get the body to pull them off. So, I've decided to use these purchases as my reward system for sticking to my new health plan. Just dangle some "karats" in front of my face and see how fast I run now!

I'd love to know what's on your "must-have" list for the Spring and Summer...I'm sure there many things I'm overlooking here. Oh, if you haven't checked it out yet, one of my favorite DC blogs is Project Beltway. She captures some great street style in the city and always has interesting tips and commentary on her favorite styles.

It's funny, dad NEVER understood why it costs so much to shop like a girl. Coming from a man that wore the same 4 pairs of khaki pants for 10 years, I got it. We really could never shop much when I was growing up...I think I even borrowed most prom dresses. Thank God for that Mount uniform...awww, I wish I had one of those on hand right now to photo. Anyway, I guess that's why, now that I make my own money, I get a bit excited about going shopping. Don't worry mom, I haven't really spent any money lately other than my spree last month.

Anyway, it is expensive to be a girl, but the good news is, there are so many bargains out there to at least fake like we're stylish and well put together.

Know of any bargain shops I'm missing out on? I like thrift stores and bluefly.com too, but even those are too expensive for me now. And of course, H&M is a must, but it's VERY hit or miss. That's all I know...tell me what you think!

Day 498

Sorry guys, I'm a bit grumpy tonight and I don't really know why. Actually, that's not true. I have to get motivated and loose weight before my sister's wedding, and instead of being excited to take on this challenge, I am a bit scared and frustrated with this notion. Sad, isn't it? I used to be this great swimmer, and now I don't want to be caught dead in a swimsuit.

I've been carrying this with me for a LONG time though. After I quit swimming and training everyday, things halted for me. I was still working out--dance class twice a week and pom practice every day after school, but it wasn't the same. By the time I got to college, I came to the realization that I couldn't do what I used to be able to do, and instead of pushing myself to get back to that point, I shrank from it so no one could see my weakness. Silly, isn't it? But that's what I've been doing ever since.

I've been coming to this realization for some time now, but have honestly just been scared and intimidated to even get started. Where do I begin? What if I fail? Can I really make this change in my life? I know it's for the better, but still, it's hard to face the reality. And the reality is this: I've let myself go, I'm not healthy anymore, and if I keep going at this rate I'm going to do serious damage to my health before too long.

So, after hearing about my weight over and over again, I got angry. But then, I resolved to do something about it. Because really, I can sit here feeling sorry for myself some more, or I can get out and move and work on improving myself. I feel that I've been working so hard on my inside that I've forgotten about my physical appearance. So here I go...

Mom and I have made a pack, starting April 1st, to loose one pound a week thru November. That means after Easter brunch and candy, it's pretty much over for me. But if I stick with it and actually achieve this goal, that's down 32 pounds. Sounds like a lot, but trust me, after that I'll still weigh more than most of you reading this.

I wanted to put it out there so that now you can all hold me accountable and there is no turning back. So, that's the deal...wish me luck!

Day 497

I am a big reader, always have been. When I was little, I would get in trouble for staying up with a flashlight under my covers, trying to finish just one more chapter. I've been known to read an entire book, cover to cover, in one sitting, and even recently have had to put myself on a book buying budget.

I love books for the escape...there's nothing better than curling up with a good work of fiction and drifting off into another world. I get excited as I turn the page, and many times have to skip to the last page first, just to see where I'll be led.

I love books that feed my imagination...not only can I mold the shape of the characters and the plot, but I like to imagine myself in the story with them, solving the crime or fighting the enemy or being swept up in a forbidden romance.

I love reading to learn...historical works and biographies are my recent favorites. I pick those who I admire, who inspire me and make me think about the person that I strive to be. I firmly believe that we learn from the history of ourselves and those who have come before us, and I try to take pieces of what I read and apply it to my life.

There are some words you read that are so profound, so true and raw and bold that they forever touch your heart and open your mind. Today I read words that did just that, and the author was Barak Obama. Although these words were of a speech he recited today in Philadelphia, I did not hear them aloud. Yes, I heard clips of what the media showed, but to truly understand what the Senator was trying to relay, you need to read its entirety.

These words are much deeper than black or white, it's about looking past race once and for all and just seeing that we are all Americans, and we are all human beings. Living and breathing politics and the media, I sometimes feel the cynicism and want to throw in the towel. I see hardworkers and true believers get swallowed up by the game of politics, and I see the media, at times, playing the Pied Piper...leading the public away from the real problems our Nation faces with the soundbites of sensationalized statements and controversial nonissues.

This post is not my endorsement announcement or plea for committal. In fact, I didn't even vote for Obama in the primary. It is, however, my hope that you all read these words, if for nothing else, to hear a voice, most likely not like your own, tell his story and his point of view. It opened my eyes and opened my heart, and it taught me to look deeper and listen closer to what others have to say. And I found that my hope for America is a lot like Senator Obama's. Maybe because we're both idealistic and optimistic, but he's turned me into a believer.

A friend once told me that her mother said to never talk about politics, sex and religion. Yes, I've heard that one before...that's the polite thing to do, right? Well, I'm glad my mother never made me stick by that rule. Maybe in this regard I am brash and loud and not much of a lady, but in my opinion, if you don't talk about issues and ideologies, how do you ever learn anything? Sorry if this post offends some of you, but I'd rather share and candidly discuss and learn from the opinions of others than to hide away my views and never see what goes in and out of the minds of others. It's in these disscussions that my mind is opened. Some beliefs are stregthened, others change completely, but they are formed knowing that I have explored more than what is in the boundaries of my own mind. And that gives me comfort more than following the rules of proper etiquette.

Day 496

Guilty pleasures. I have a few too many to admit to, and yes, one of them is reality television. Project Runway, American's Next Top Model, The Hills. All must see TV. And tonight, I got a double dose of goodness: Dancing with the Stars (my absolute favorite) and The Bachelor. I must admit, I'm not the biggest Bachelor fan, but I think that this year's suitor is going to keep me hooked. Primarily because he's a smoking hot Brit. And let's face it, I'm a sucker for an accent.

So yes, that's what my lazy self did all night...fold laundry and watch reality tv. I tried to take some pics this weekend, but I still haven't gotten the hang of my camera and nothing turned out right. I'll try to figure it out this week so I can take some pictures while I'm down in Florida. Five more days...can't wait!

Day 494

I got an update on my friend's father-in-law: they did find cancer in his lung, but the good news is it is contained to only the lung. Please keep Ken Adams in your prayers as he battles this latest round, and keep in mind the Adams/Bussey family while the go through this with him.

Sarah and Taylor, I am so, so sorry to hear of this news, but you will all be in my prayers.

Day 492

A friend's blog relayed terrible news today...her father-in-law has to go in for surgery tomorrow to see if he has lung cancer. She goes into great detail about the procedure, but please keep in mind Ken Adams as you say your nightly prayers.

I just hate to hear things like this, because I don't EVER want my friends and loved ones to have to experience what we did. Mr. Adams had a lung removed two years ago, and they are going in to see if he has an occurance in his remaining lung. Taylor, your dad is in my prayers right now!

One of my favorite ways to pray in times like this is to pray Novenas. Catholic novena prayers are prayers to special Saints who look after certain things, and are to be recited nine days in succession in petition for some favor. Some Saints are guardians over certain aspects of life, and St. Peregrine is known as "The Cancer Saint". Below is the novena I say to St. Peregrine, and will say for Mr. Adams for the next nine days:

Glorious wonder-worker, St. Peregrine, you answered the divine call with a ready spirit, and forsook all the comforts of a life of ease and all the empty honors of the world to dedicate yourself to God in the Order of His holy Mother. You labored manfully for the salvation of souls. In union with Jesus crucified, you endured painful sufferings with such patience as to deserve to be healed miraculously of an incurable cancer in your leg by a touch of His divine hand. Obtain for me the grace to answer every call of God and to fulfill His will in all the events of life. Enkindle in my heart a consuming zeal for the salvation of all men. Deliver me (or intention) from the infirmities that afflict my (their) body (especially...). Obtain for me also a perfect resignation to the sufferings it may please God to send me, so that, imitating our crucified Savior and His sorrowful Mother, I may merit eternal glory in heaven. St. Peregrine, pray for me and for all who invoke your aid.

Day 491

What a day. I feel like all I've been doing lately is bitching about work, but this day trumped all the others so far. Of course, I was running late for work this morning. Made it in to find out that my boss is out sick. He sounds terrible. So, just two of us to man the madness that took place today. First, a bit of a scare and almost evacuation from the Capitol when a plane flew into restricted airspace.

About an hour later, another incident...this time, 10 people started a protest on the Iraq war in the Senate chamber. They took them out, held them in the hallway right outside our office, and arrested them. I can't comment on what happened, but reporters were not happy about their placement during the incident, so that caused another headache this afternoon.

Ah, the joys of the work. The good news is I got to leave by 9:15 PM tonight, which was WAY earlier than I previously thought.

Guess what? Two more days until recess!! It can't come fast enough.

Day 490

Ugh.

Three more days until recess.

Day 489

One day down, four to go until recess. I don't think I mentioned yet that the Saturday before Easter, I'm flying down to Miami to hang with my grandparents for the week. You have no idea how excited I am to go down there and just lay on the beach for a week. Marissa is meeting me down there, and Joyce, Paul and the kids will also be there part of the time for their Spring Break.

I also don't think I've ever mentioned that my grandparents have a condo down there that they live in during the winter. It's not actually in Miami, it's a bit North of there, in Pompano Beach. And as enormous as my family is, of course I have other family living in South Florida. My uncle Richard, aunt Doris and cousin Sonny also live in Pompano, my aunt Linda lives in Ft. Lauderdale and my uncle Tim and cousins Natalie and Jazzmin live in Miami. So it's always a family reunion wherever I go.

Also, my grandfather is out of the hospital and doing so much better. His shingles are all cleared up, so he's pretty much out of harm's way now. What a relief! Marissa and I are going to try to get him into the pool and doing some water exercises while we're down there. If you ever have a loved one having trouble walking, moving, etc., but still needs to keep up some sort of exercise regimine, water therapy is the way to go. Dad used to do water therapy with all types of children and adults--autistic children, young adults with ceberal palsey, older adults with joint pain...it works wonders for so many people.

One more thing, Mom passed her nursing boards, so she is now a certified RN!!! Congrats Mom--we're all really proud of you!!!

Alright, I'm hitting the hay early tonight...tomorrow is going to be a loooooong day.

Day 488

I'm dreading tomorrow.

For no other reason than I just have no desire to go to work tomorrow. The weekend just wasn't long enough and this week is going to be REALLY bad. This week, the Senate takes up the Budget Resolution. And Friday, hopefully, we start a two week Easter recess, which means a full week of LATE nights. I say hopefully because if they don't finish on Friday, then they'll go all night long, even until Saturday, until all the pending amendments are disposed with and Final Passage of the bill is agreed to. Then we get to rest.

On top of that, we are in the process of recredentialing all 1500+ periodical Congressional reporters, and the deadline for membership renewals is tomorrow. Considering we only have about 1/8th of them in, I'd say tomorrow and the rest of the week are going to be pretty horrible. The good news is, I get to leave work tomorrow at 1:30 for a dentist appointment.

You know it's bad when the thought of sitting in a dentist's chair for a few hours actually puts a smile on your face.

This weekend I didn't do much. Friday night was movie night. Saturday I ran errands in the morning, then headed to my aunt & uncle's house for Joyce's "suprise" birthday party that my 7-year-old cousin Valeri planned. After that, I ran some errands with Joyce and we went to dinner at Cactus Cantina--yum! Today was grocery store and laundry day. I must confess, I did miss church though. I need to get back with it next weekend. Not too exciting, huh?

As boring as it may sound, I have to admit...I LOVE being able to wake up feeling refreshed during the weekend. Waking up and running around town, taking my time and enjoying the day...it's such a great feeling. It'll be even better in a few weeks when the weather's warmer and the Cherry Blossoms come to full bloom. There's nothing better than Springtime in Washington!

Below are a few pics I took of the kids on Saturday. I'm just starting to learn about my camera, and for some reason the pictures are still coming out a bit fuzzy. I don't think I have it on the right setting when trying to take action shots. But in true Washington fashion, it's good to know people, and I have some photographer friends that said they'd give me some lessons! So excited about this! I've really been wanting to tap into my creativity more, and this is an avenue I've wanted to learn more about for sometime. And the timing is perfect--hopefully soon I'll have some amazing Washington landscapes to share. Until then, check out the kiddos...



The Birthday Girl and Jack



Valeri being a diva and acting out Hairspray



Ryan is way too cool for school and was not a happy camper that day.



Matthew fresh out of the shower and heading off to meet some friends.

Day 486

Thank you. For listening and commenting and caring enough to try and hold me up on weeks like this. At work, my boss and some friends keep asking me if I'm okay. "Yeah," I tell them, but of course that's not true. But what do I say? No, I'm not alright, but I can't at all tell you what is wrong with me, or why, because I'm not sure myself. I'm having a bad week. It happens, and there's really nothing that I can do about it. You're just going to have to bear with me and deal with it.

But of course, saying that won't work. That'd be the quickest ticket to an appointment with EAP (Emotional Assistance Program) and a permanent mark on my record. The federal government doesn't mess around.

So I say, "Yeah, I'm okay." And I grin and bear with it, and then let it out for all the world to hear every night. And then there are those of you that care about me, and worry and listen. And you tell me things will be all right and tomorrow will be a better day. And I believe you, even if my actions don't show it. And I thank you, for caring enough to listen, to worry, to love me. Thank you.

Day 485

I'm starting to forget him. Last night, as I was writing my blog, listing all of dad's greatest qualities and feeling sorry for myself, I realized something. I forgot how dad laughed.

I remember his goofy sort of yell-laugh he did when he was excited about something. Sort of a "Woo Hoo, Yeah Baby" combined with his hands clapped together and one hard "Ha"!

But his real laugh? His no-holding-back, straight-from-the-gut, belt-it-out-like-no-one's-watching laugh. I don't remember it. I know he didn't giggle like a schoolgirl, or shoot 'em out like a machine gun. I know he didn't give a snort, a hic or a breathe with it.

I've tried a full day, and I just can't remember what it's like to sit down and hear him enjoy the moment.

I just can't hold on to everything. And it's breaking my heart.

Day 484

It's funny how people can drift in and out of your life. Tonight I'm not talking about losing someone forever, but how relationships come and go and then come again. This seems to happen to me more than the average person. Long ago best friends seem to be lost forever, and then all of a sudden, we find each other again. This is always fun, seeing where life has taken them. We may not be close anymore, but they will always and forever be a part of this life we lead.

And then there's my terrible track record of male relationships. Don't worry, no names. It really wouldn't matter though, because its just the same old story, different verse. Basically, all of a sudden they disappear on me. No explaination, no closure. I deny their disappearance for a week or two, then beat myself up the next few. A few months later, when I've come to terms with what happened, they always come back knocking at my door. And I always seem to answer it.

Ugh! What gives? Seriously, I'm not sure if I can take much more of this anymore. Being ignored and dismissed is just a horrible weight for the soul to bear.

They say a woman looks for a man like her father, but my dad never treated my mom or sisters that way. He was passionate about his work, his family and all that he worked so hard to achieve. He was a hard worker and committed himself to his team and swimmers. He was outgoing, could talk to anybody and was a great speaker. He was smart and always eager to learn and improve himself. He was funny, but also had a goofy side to him. He liked to be in control of his life, but wasn't afraid to take risks. He was a great teacher and mentor. He was a definite guys-guy, but still had lots of great women friends too. He was a fun dancer and loved to let loose and have a good time. And let's face it, he was athletic and a good-looking man too (something a woman always will go for).

Sounds too good to be true, huh? Well, that's my dad. Know anyone that sounds like him? Send him my way. Just no more drifters please! Maybe one day, I'll learn to quit people when I should. I guess I just like to have faith and always see the good in people. But at the same time, I need to find what's good for me.

Day 483

You would think that after a long day of listening to Senate committee hearings, floor speeches, press conferences, etc., that I would go home and do anything but. Of course, though, I had to come home and watch the election results. It's official, I'm obsessed with my job.

Actually, that's not quite it. I love my job and I hate my job. I would be both sad to leave it, and also so happy to get out of there. But that's not in the cards now anyway. What I'm obsessed with, really, is knowing everything I can about my job.

That means waking up to talk radio. Reading 3 Hill publications and at least 2 newspapers well before lunch. Getting CNN, The Washington Post, The New York Times, NPR, and a few other "breaking news" alerts sent to my blackberry. It means keeping tabs on delegates, talking voting records at bars and going to bed watching MSNBC. Hello, my name is Shawna, and I'm a political nerd.

The funny thing is, this is such my way of life now that I don't know how to "act normal" anymore. I find myself recommending Newsweek articles to friends, talking media trends on planes and comparing the 2008 election to the 1964 election at weddings. I've caught myself passing out my business card at brunch in Dallas, checking my blackberry on the beach in Miami and recounting candidate rhetoric at concerts in New York. Thanks to my life in DC, I have become socially awkward in every other town.

Day 482

So, I know that this blog was intended to be a tribute to dad in some way, and I know that I've gotten away from that lately, but some days, it's just too hard to write about him. It's hard to even think about him some days...the memories start to build up in my chest, making it hard to breathe. My vision gets blurry, my heart starts racing and my chest gets tight. And then the tears come. Some days, like I've said before, they come at a moment's notice. Other days, it brews up over a day's time. By the time I get home, I fall into bed and literally crumble.

But that's no way to live my life. So many days, I try my best to push those memories aside and go on with things the best I can. I don't see it as a disservice to dad, but rather the way I need to go about my life, as best as I can.

I know there will be a time that I will think of dad and laugh. Think of the funny things he did and said and it will put a smile on my face. But I haven't made it there quite yet. Even as laughter comes, so do the tears. Which is why I can't quite mention dad every night. But he's always in my heart.

Day 481

So last night was a bit of a celebration. First a birthday dinner for Chase and Bevin at Buca di Beppo, an Italian restaurant famous for its family-style dinners, house Chianti and "The Pope Room" (see below). Two hours later, we headed across the street to Russia House, famous for its dark corners, red walls and the largest supply of Vodka varieties in the Distric. By the time we were tabbing out, I was best friends with a 6-foot amazon Russian woman named, I think, Natasha, who I met in the bathroom and was teaching Andrew and I dirty words in her native tongue.

Yikes. It turned ugly. Be glad I didn't post after I got home. I did notice this morning that I sent the most ridiculous text message imaginable at 2 AM, one that very possibly may have destroyed a relationship. If you are reading this, again, I apologize. This is why I just can't party like that anymore.

So update on my Pap: he does have the shingles and will stay in the hospital for the next couple of days to stay under observation. He's feeling okay, and I'm just so happy that it's shingles and not something much worse. Thanks for all of your prayers and well wishes!